You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
