i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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