Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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