the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
