I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize