What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
