you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
