i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
