They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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