If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car