sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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