just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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