Yo dont text me then not text me
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
