Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
