So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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