the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
