Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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