Soap is not a condiment
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
