never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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