seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
