I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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