I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize