seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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