I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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