So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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