I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Randomize
