I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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