A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
