i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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