last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
