My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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