A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
