Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
