ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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