I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
