My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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