She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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