its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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