I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
