Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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