I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
