Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
