Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
