I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
COCAINE IS GR8
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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