i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
