I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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