You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
