Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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