you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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