Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I got inside last night via doggy door
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
