Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think

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(206): View more from Washington

Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.

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(616): View more from Michigan

it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

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(907): View more from Alaska

We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro

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(559): View more from California

I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.

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