Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
