I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
