Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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