what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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