Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
