she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
