ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
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someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
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You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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