im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
