I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The uberlube is also flammable
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
